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Nitz the Bloody
Thu Sep 09, 2004 at 12:43:47 am EDT
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #9: Bottled Up!
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #9

“ JOAN! “ Nitz screams as he looks over his impaled lover. He puts his finger on her neck to try and find a pulse. Then he remembers that she doesn’t have one.

“ Call a doctor, “ he yells to Nats and Uhuna, who stand beside him on the rocky ground.

“ Uhhh....we’re trapped inside a genie’s bottle, “ Nats explains.

“ Right. Of course. “ He peers over Joan’s damaged body, “ Joan......can you hear me? Are you okay? “

” I am....fine, Nitz, “ she tells him, as she gracefully stands up from the spike in the ground. “ Just needed a minute to reboot. “ There is a large hole in her abdomen, but as soon as Joan taps an invisible button on her hand, a miraculous process begins....chrome strands of twine lace around the hole, spinning from one end of the chasm to the next. Within seconds these fibers weave across the entire area, filling all the empty space and restoring the appearance of clothed flesh. Joan looks as though she was just built.

Nitz blushes. “ Uhhhh.....I healed her with my spells! Heal-eku! Mend-eku! And such... “

” Dude, “ Nats says, “ We know she’s a robot. It was kind of obvious. “

“ Is it customary for humans to go out with machines, Bill?“ Uhuna asks.

“ It’s not like this is the first time this has happened, but.....no, not usually. “

“ You don’t mind? “ Nitz inquires, shocked.

“ Some of my best friends are fake, don’t worry about it. “ He turns to Nitz. “ Now, if you can find a way to get us out of here.... “

“ Easy, “ Nitz smirks, “ Transport-eku! “ He slashes his cudgel downwards, trying to create a rip in the fabric of reality so he can exit this small, vaguely alcohol-scented domain. Normally this would allow him and his friends to leave in peace. Instead, there’s a small yellow opening, about the size of a quarter, which quickly closes in a puff of smoke.

He tries again. The hole is even smaller, and the cloud of smoke is larger.

“ Dammit, “ he grumbles, “ There’s some kind of barrier around this bottle. It’s too strong for me to pierce. Got any other bright ideas? “

” One. “ Nats walks away from his girlfriend, sort-of-friend, and robotic acquaintance to the edge of the enclosed space. He taps on the edge, to find an invisible barrier. Nats proceeds to blast it with his pyrokinetic powers, to no effect. He tries again.

Still nothing.

“ Let me try, “ Nitz states. “ Avalancheku! “ A hole opens above Nitz, where a volley of boulders would normally emerge from. The hole closes as quickly as it opens, leaving behind the same, frustrating tuft of smoke.

“ Shockeku! “ Same effect; small hole opening, small hole closing, Nitz getting P.O.ed.

“ Your magic isn’t working, “ Nats tells Nitz, as Nats continues to try and shoot fire at the invisible barrier. The flames are merely deflected, blown off to the sides.

“ Gee, what the @#$% gave that away?! “ Nitz growls. He picks up his cudgel and tries to whack at the barrier. The force of his weapon is deflected, just like everything else tried so far. The cudgel flies out of his hand and to the other edge of the bottle.

“ This isn’t working, “ Nitz sighs.

” Keep trying! “ Nats yells, trying to use his telekinetic strength to pound on the barrier. All that ends up happening is him getting sore fists.

“ Do all males use violence as a solution to their problems, “ Uhuna asks Joan.

“ It is not my species, “ Joan replies, “ But such seems to be our boys’ answer to everything, no matter how futile. “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour passes. Several more attempts at escape follow. All of them end pitifully.

Nitz, Nats, Uhuna, and Joan sit around a makeshift campfire created by the flying phenomenon’s pyrokinetic ability. The two young men have resigned themselves to discouragement, if not despair. Uhuna tries to keep a level head, but realizes that there’s nothing she can do with her limited abilities. Joan remains completely motionless, without any signs of even ambient movement.

“ Okay, “ Nitz says, “ We may have to cannibalize eachother to survive. I vote we eat Bill. “

” It’s been only an hour, “ Nats grumbles. “ What are you, hyper metabolic?! “

” Hey, Joan’s inedible, Uhuna’s royalty, and I’m too stringy. You draw the short straw. “

” Thank you for sparing me, but aren’t you resorting to cannibalism a little early, Nitz “, Uhuna asks.

“ Jesus H. Christ, it’s just a little castaway humor. I see there’s no levity in this bottle. “

” So, “ Nitz wonders, “ What do we do now? There’s no way out of this stupid bottle and there’s not much to amuse ourselves with besides rocks and sand... “

” There’s ALWAYS a way out, “ Nats snaps. “ Things always work out in this business. Some of us who don’t just do it as a part-time job know that. “

” Excuse me, Mister Professional, but I’ve never prepared for being trapped in a @#$%ing BOTTLE before. “

Uhuna sighs. “ You two bring out the worst in eachother, you know that? “

“ Right, “ Nats resigns. “ So what do we do now? “

” Narrative convention says we all admit our darkest fears and deepest secrets, “ Nitz replies. “ Any takers? “

” I’m good, thanks, “ Nats replies.

“ I have led a relatively pure life, “ Uhuna states. “ Sometimes I wish I was still princess of Atticland, but no sense dwelling on the past, yes? “

” Fine, I got one. “ Nitz turns to Joan, who is sitting completely still, like a mannequin. “ Joan? I have one thing to say.....I love you. “

Joan doesn’t reply. Her eyes remain humanoid, blue and watery, but they have no movement.

“ That’s right. I didn’t say this before because I was nervous about what I was doing. I didn’t know if I was truly in love or just desperate for anyone. But I’ve gotten to know you over the following weeks, and I know the great person you are. You’re much more than a machine to me. You’re my girlfriend. And I love you. “

Uhuna’s eyes tear up, moved by Nitz’s heartfelt speech. Nats smiles. Joan remains motionless. At an instant’s notice, she stands up, points an arm up in the air, and shouts, “ I have the solution. “

” Dammit, why do you have to ruin my heartfelt speech, “ Nitz grumbles softly.

“ I have been spending this time processing our situation, taking into account all variables. I have analyzed the bottle dimension we are trapped in, and have found a probable escape. “ She turns to Nitz.

” Nitz, your magic is a science like any other. You control the elements. Your magic has not worked because you are bereft of your usual elements, the forces of Earth and the Zeku dimension. But there are elements inside this bottle as well. The barrier surrounding us is actually a magical wind, a hurricane surrounding this small patch of land. If you can reverse the direction and siphon off the energy of the winds, you can quell them, and we can escape through the unprotected ends of the glass. “

” Do you understand, “ she asks.

“ Uhhhh.....yeah. But I think Bill didn’t, so tell us again? “ Bill knits his brow.

“ Say Vortexeku. Direct the winds into the center of the bottle. Then break open the edges. “

“ That sounds stupid enough to work. Everyone duck and cover! “

Nitz screams the magic word, and blue energy surrounding the edges of the bottle dimension spirals to the center, and then rises to the top of the bottle. Nitz holds his cudgel upwards as the focus of this compacted whirlwind, keeping the energy in place. The sensation he feels is of incredible strain, and his body flinches, but he still holds the cudgel in place.

“ Now, “ Joan calmly says, “ Nats should burn a hole in the unprotected wall. “

” My best talent. Burnination. “ Nats shoots fire like he’s never shot before at the clear wall of the bottle. A large, gaping hole is burned. After a flash of red-hot glass, everything goes dark again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ Where are we? “

” Why is everything dark? “

” Why do I smell puke? “

” Who’s touching me? “

” Am I part of a deranged Twister game? “

The four daters emerge from the bottle inside a green dumpster in one of Parodopolis’ fine alleyways. They are all packed tightly inside the dumpster, and are feeling very uncomfortable. After a lengthy unravelling of interlocking limbs, they emerge.

Nitz holds the bottle, which has a tiny hole burned in the side. “ Okay, “ he says, “ What just happened? “

Joan, as usual, has the answer. “ The opening in the dimensional wall of the bottle dimension created a hole in the fabric of the plane. We were sucked out of the bottle and back into this reality. “

” Okay, “ Nats states, “ So now we gotta find that genie who stuck us there in the first place. Where is he? “

” This way, “ Joan points. Outside of that alleyway, a building burns. The four run out of the alley and note that all the burnings in the area are aflame. In the sky, a giant red man rains fireballs across the city, as the people below run away screaming. Walls of fire blockade the streets, so the runnings of the civilians are circular and desperate.

“ Easy enough, “ Nats scowls. “ Now we have a job to do. “

NEXT: The Lair Legion guest stars as the djinni J’Afarrg attacks the city.


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